Controlling my Singleness
I just had a bit of a breakthrough with God. Although it is known as a Catholic tradition, for an assignment for my Romans class, I did a traditional four-step “lectio divina.” It was an amazing experience I must admit. But before God totally owned my life, He first reminded me how much He loved me and cared for me. And even when He did rebuke me, it was done in a calm and almost humorous manner.
The second part of lectio divina is meditating on a passage you just read. I was meditating on Romans 6:12-14. During this time of meditation is when I saw some vivid imagery of God reminding me how much He loves me. The third part of the lectio divina is mostly praying to God. In this time, the person is to offer herself/himself to God. I had recently been very aware of the fact that I desire to be in control of everything in regards to my own life. Throughout other assignments for my Romans class, I had come to the conclusion that I have a fear of not being in control. I wanted really badly to offer this fear to God. But as I continued talking, I noticed I was spinning my words on purpose so that I could pretend that I was offering it up, without actually having to offer it up. It wasn’t long before God asked “who do you think you are fooling?” ..I shut my mouth.. I realized what I had been doing so I just stopped and listened for a little. I said I’m sorry for trying to trick Him (as if I could), but that I really don’t want to give this up, and that it is really hard to not allow myself to be in control of a situation. I HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL OF MY OWN LIFE!
This is when God seemed to calmed down a little. I felt that He was angry when I wasn’t honest with Him with my fears. But when He revealed the root of my action, His tone changed to become loving and a bit humorous. (I love how God never belittles me when He rebukes me) God basically said.. “Are you aware, that the reason you keep telling people, and even convincing yourself, that you have the gift of singleness is because you want to be in control of your life?” … Dang! Straight up. I started thinking about it and chuckled at myself. For about a year now, I have been very consistently advocating being single and have even convinced myself that I have the gift of singleness. I do desire to be single yet I also desire to get married as well. However, desiring marriage leaves room for the unknown. It requires that I trust God to bring me a husband. It requires trust in whoever my future husband will be. It requires some sort of offering up of myself. It requires me to give up my control. NO WAY! Anything but that. If I force myself I have the gift of singleness, I choose what happens. Even if I have to give up marriage, I’d be willing to do so, just so Icould have some kind of control over my future. But God was pretty clear.
I very quickly knew that I was wrong, and that is why I could easily laugh at myself. And I still don’t know if I will get married or not. I just know that I have to offer that to God and let Him be in control of the situation. This frustrates me a bit because God never said “you will get married”.. He is still leaving the future completely unknown. So I still might end up being single, and all this might just be for spiritual growth. Either way, I simply have to give up control, and this is another battle that I have to conquer. I know I still have other things to work on. I still have no trust for men and would not give up my control to them. But I can, at least, trust in Christ. Even though this is still hard, I am willing and already surrendering myself to Him. This terrifies me, but I trust God. I know He loves me, cares for me, is more powerful than I am, and smarter than I am. So if He says I need to let Him be in control of my love life, as scary as it is, it’s all His now.
